The war on talent*

By Fiona Czerniawska.

*At Source, we’re used to hearing the phrase, “a war for talent”, but recent interviewees have talked about “the war on talent”.  We report back from the frontline.

[THE SCENE: 1917. A PATCHY MIST ROLLS ACROSS A MUDDY FIELD, POCKMARKED WITH SHELL HOLES AND STUDDED WITH THE STUMPS OF DEAD TREES. IN A TRENCH, TWO MEN COWER, WHILE A THIRD TRAINS HIS BINOCULARS ON THE RIDGE AHEAD OF THEM.]

Captain: [REMINISCING] …  the jolly old days when you’d be positively tripping over decent people.  Recruitment was like shooting fish in a barrel…

Corporal: [SHOUTING] Sir! Business analysts coming over the top!!

Captain: Steady, chaps. Wait until you see the whites of their eyes.

Corporal: What’s the plan, sir? Shall we hit them with our metrics on being a friendly place to work first, then follow up with the opportunities to travel? Or shall we go straight for the partner promotion prospects? [EXPLOSIONS ARE HEARD]

Captain: Damn! We’ve been outgunned on salaries again. Will we never get the employee propositions we need?

[PAUSE]

Corporal: [SHOUTING AGAIN] Sir! Sir! Director-with-business-development-experience at one o’clock, sir!

Captain: So there is, by gad! Well-spotted, corporal. If you’ve got a clean shot, take it.

Corporal: I can’t, sir, our end of year bonuses aren’t accurate at this distance!

Captain: Well, we can’t afford to miss an opportunity like this. [HE KICKS THE MAN NEXT TO HIM] Private! Get up, man, stop rifling through that pile of CVs and help. Just ‘cos you’ve been assigned to HR doesn’t mean you can hide behind paperwork.

Private: But we can’t just take pot-shots at anyone who comes along, sir, we might end up bagging … er.. a… a… female partner by accident, sir.  

Captain: Jolly good point, private, we can’t take that kind of risk.

[PAUSE]

Captain: Er, can you tell the gender at this distance, corporal?